Life is a highway - through the mountains - and I'm driving a Smart Car.

You know, life is pretty good.  Except for one little detail.  I'm tired of being bipolar.  I'm tired of smoking pot because I look for the high to take the edge off the mood swings, then dealing with the guilt of smoking the pot, then the anxiety that it often triggers.  Then I give it up for a day or two.  Maybe a week, then I start to get tired of every single emotion being so goddamned intense and I want to get high.  Just good and stoned so I can sleep at night.

I'm feeling a little stuck, actually.  My husband still smokes ciggarettes, and he tokes, too, and sometimes I do it as much to spend time with him.  We don't smoke in the house.  We smoke in his tool shed.  It's got a TV and a computer with cable and internet... he doesn't spend much time in the house, really.  We often end up with him out there and me in the house, for a couple of hours.  I miss his company. 

But I've got to get away from the pot for awhile I think.  I need to find out if I can still deal with this whole damned bipolar thing without the high.  See if all my high-faluting theories mean anything without the pot.  See who I really am, when I'm just being me.  See if I really can just be me.  What if I end up back on meds?  I've got nothing against medicating for it, that's not the problem.  It's what the meds do to me.  The side effects of the pot are nothing compared to the side effects of prescription meds!  I'm already on a few prescriptions for other reasons and dealing with the unpleasant side effects of the anti-cholesterol medication.  Adding a new one to the mix isn't going to help.  Besides, every time I was medicated, I leveled off but I leveled off low.  I didn't get any creative urges, my imagination dried up, and I stopped dreaming.  I felt like I was only half alive.  I can't do that again.

But I can't keep doing this either.  But then on a good day, I really believe that I can balance this all somehow and work it out.  Here's hoping tomorrow's a better day, then.

GRRRAAAAAAAAAUUGH!  JUST... GRRRAAAAAAAAUUGH!

I want to write but then I get distracted and I forget what I wanted to write about!

Blargh!

I''m doing okay these days.  The mood swings aren't bad lately.  I'm up and down but not to the same extremes as lately, which is good.  Pot helps.  Yes, I self-medicate.  Get over it.  It works.  Way better than any of the prescriptions I could be taking and with way less side-effects, too.

It helps to dull the emotion, keeps it from becoming extreme.  The only problem is, I've got to watch I don't over do it or nothing gets done around here.

My dog died

I know, it's the classic kick to the balls while you're down but it's true.  She's gone and I miss her.  Way more than most people think I should.  I keep walking into the bedroom expecting to see her asleep on her pillow and she's not there.  I feel a little lost.  I don't want to get another dog right away but I don't think I like being without one either.  There'll never be another one like her though.

*sigh* 

Am I paranoid? What would you know?

Sometimes when a car turns the same way I turn a couple of times, I start to think maybe he's following me.  I'm sure many people think that for a second or two... I start planning escape routes.  I've got several around my city that I always know are there.  I have a dozen different ways to approach my home that allow me to first throw someone off the track and then lead me back home. 

This is just what my subconscious mind is doing people!  I didn't even realise this about myself till recently and I'd been doing it for years.

Did you know that everytime I walk into a new room or building, my eyes seek out all the hidey holes and escape routes first.  Just sayin'.

Y'know, I never thought of myself as paranoid before. 

Fuck the World!

Sometimes, I just wanna shout FUCK! from the top of a mountain.  Sometimes, I just want to scream until someone hears me.

I have days when I can't stop crying.  It seems today is one of them.

My life doesn't suck, damn it!  So why do I have to feel like this?!?!  It's NO FUCKING FAIR!!