You know, life is pretty good. Except for one little detail. I'm tired of being bipolar. I'm tired of smoking pot because I look for the high to take the edge off the mood swings, then dealing with the guilt of smoking the pot, then the anxiety that it often triggers. Then I give it up for a day or two. Maybe a week, then I start to get tired of every single emotion being so goddamned intense and I want to get high. Just good and stoned so I can sleep at night.
I'm feeling a little stuck, actually. My husband still smokes ciggarettes, and he tokes, too, and sometimes I do it as much to spend time with him. We don't smoke in the house. We smoke in his tool shed. It's got a TV and a computer with cable and internet... he doesn't spend much time in the house, really. We often end up with him out there and me in the house, for a couple of hours. I miss his company.
But I've got to get away from the pot for awhile I think. I need to find out if I can still deal with this whole damned bipolar thing without the high. See if all my high-faluting theories mean anything without the pot. See who I really am, when I'm just being me. See if I really can just be me. What if I end up back on meds? I've got nothing against medicating for it, that's not the problem. It's what the meds do to me. The side effects of the pot are nothing compared to the side effects of prescription meds! I'm already on a few prescriptions for other reasons and dealing with the unpleasant side effects of the anti-cholesterol medication. Adding a new one to the mix isn't going to help. Besides, every time I was medicated, I leveled off but I leveled off low. I didn't get any creative urges, my imagination dried up, and I stopped dreaming. I felt like I was only half alive. I can't do that again.
But I can't keep doing this either. But then on a good day, I really believe that I can balance this all somehow and work it out. Here's hoping tomorrow's a better day, then.
